Types of Phones

1. Some phones are asymmetrical, like old couches or broken things. To dial, you have to keep your hand to the far right, where the buttons are.

Use this phone to call people you don't know very well, or when you're calling someone you do know but aren't sure how long you'll talk to them.

2. Some phones are red. These are the most polarizing kinds of phones, because they are either bright and cheery or bloodlike and scary. Either way, they'll add a bit of red to the room.

Call your relatives on this phone. They'll thank you for it.

3. Some phones are off the hook. This is when they are being used, or on an uneven surface. If you are already using this phone, carry on. If not, stay away.

4. Some phones have both straight and curved lines. On this phone, feel free to call your spouse or lover, just to say hello.

5. Some phones are very strange. Take this one, for example: olive green, and longer than it is tall, with a cross-hatching pattern on the front. Use this phone for emergencies only: you never know who, or what, you will call.