Usually crappy. This is because everything I read by anyone I know, I always believe is exceedingly, objectively better than anything I have written. I am a hypocrite when it comes to self-esteem, self-empowerment, &c.
Thank God for David Foster Wallace. Literally. Thank You, Universe. If there is anyone more talented, and yet more in touch with litost - that feeling of shame when faced with one's own silliness, facile-ness, worthlessness - I don't know who it is. (Except perhaps Milan Kundera, who provided that definition, and used it for a theme, in The Book of Laughter and Forgetting. Then, proving that nothing is random and God exists, Wallace quoted Kundera in a story about feeling down on yourself. Geez, I might be tripping.)
What was I saying again? That I tend to believe that everyone around me knows what they're doing, has it all figured out, is supremely confident, at all time, while next to them I look cool and composed on the outside (ha!), but on the inside I am flailing and filandering and completely losing my shit.
A woman I know said that other day that she thinks all social tension and weirdness is a result of fear. I think that is so true. Fear of judgment, misunderstanding, rejection, vulnerability. When I experience awkwardness, I ALWAYS blame myself - because I believe that the other person or people is totally confident. But maybe they're just as afraid as I am.
Carry each other...
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